Life Update, Mozart, and Positivity

Hey guys. So, it’s been a while…  yeah. I’m sorry for just disappearing with no explanation. Honestly, I guess the reason why I just disappeared without warning is because… I haven’t felt like writing much recently. For some reason, every time I thought about blogging, it just seemed like a chore. And that’s one thing I want to avoid no matter what. I never want to get bored of writing, or feel like it’s a burden. Writing, for me, has always been about freedom. Words, and the way I can manipulate them in whatever way I want, have always been there for me – like a reliable friend. So the second blogging started feeling like a chore, I knew I had to step back and not force myself to do anything with regards to writing for a while.

Then, all of this past week I had Christmas exams. Good Lord save me, because those exams were hellish! The biggest problem was that I cannot study. And I mean that literally. Like, I would have the necessary books out, all my electronic devices put away, and be fully aware of the fact that my exam is at 09:00 in the morning and I know nothing, and yet still be unable to open the damn book and even just read a page! I don’t know why, but I just can’t! I’ve been asked by people before whether or not I’ve ever been tested for ADHD or ADD, and I’ve been starting to think that maybe they could be onto something there, so I’m hopefully going to be able to get tested over the Christmas holidays. But, if any of you guys have any tips or life hacks for people who really struggle to focus and concentrate, then please just let me know because that would be super helpful!

Let’s see… what else have I been up to? Well, I’ve been going out a lot more during weekends – which I’m really proud of because even just a year ago, maybe less, I was the kind of person that would never be able to make themselves go out and do stuff over the weekend, or hang out with friends, or anything really! I would sit in bed in front of my laptop all day and not be productive whatsoever, and basically waste away. Now, I can make myself actually step out of the building and go out, and I actually enjoy myself! This is just incredible to me because I’ve always hated stepping out of my room. Whenever I stepped outside, I would just feel like everyone’s eyes were on me; everyone was judging me for what I was wearing, what I looked like, my hair style, just everything. And it was awful. I was so self-conscious all the time. I don’t really feel that way much anymore, and even if I begin too, I soon forget about it because I’m actually having fun with my friends and I know that they’re not judging me. I think that’s also a very important thing; I’ve begun to let myself trust people again. And I think I might slowly start trusting myself again some day. And I’m just so proud of myself for getting this far, and I want everyone out there to know that it’s not entirely impossible to get to this point – even though it may feel like it is most of the time.

Just hang in there, and find that one thing that you can still gain some sense of freedom in. For me, it’s writing. For you, it could be music, or reading, or drawing, or baking, or looking at the stars! Just, hang in there.

Okay! Some other things I’ve been doing recently are… reading, laundry and listening to classical music! I’m really happy to say that I’ve begun reading again. At the moment, I’m reading ‘The Bell Jar’ by Sylvia Plath. It’s an autobiographical, fictional novel written by her, and is a somewhat melancholic read, but so absolutely fascinating! The writing style and language use are incredible, and maybe I only have such a high opinion on it because Sylvia Plath is my favourite poet, but I would definitely recommend you take a peak at it! I’ve also just put all of my sheets and pillowcases in the wash, and it feels symbolic in a weird way. Like, I’ve woken up this Saturday morning and I actually feel pretty good. So now, I’m just waiting to have clean-smelling sheets!

Oh! As I mentioned earlier, I had exams all of this week, and in an attempt to make myself study, I started listening to Mozart. And can I just say, I. Am. Hooked! I’ve been listening to only Mozart for this entire week and have not gotten sick of it! Even now, I’m listening to… a piece with a really long name that I’m not going to be able to type in correctly so I’ll just go ahead and link the playlist I’m listening to here:

Mozart Playlist

I really hope that link works for you guys! I just ever know with technology sometimes! But yeah, the piece I’m listening to at the moment is fourth on that playlist. I honestly can’t get enough of him! Enjoy!

Also, how’s everyone feeling for the holiday season? Whatever you celebrate, and even if you don’t celebrate anything around this time of year, I hope you all have an amazing Winter! I have completed most of my Christmas shopping, so that’s good. I picked up a little something for C the other day and hopefully will able to get it wrapped before I see them – hopefully I will get to see them over the Christmas holidays!

So, I’m gonna wrap this up here! I hope everyone’s doing okay and if not, don’t hesitate to comment on one of our blog posts! We are always happy to talk to you guys about anything!

Well, I guess I’ll hopefully talk to you again next Saturday! Have a wonderful week!

Here’s a little something to hopefully brighten your day:

– K

 

My schedule is fucked…

So, I promised that I’d get a story out that I’ve been working on by last Sunday and it’s clear to see, that didn’t happen.

Truth is, my mental health has been taking a beating over the past two weeks and I’ve recently started working which means I have two days free; Saturday and Sunday. But that’s not even true anymore because those two days are designated getting work done days but also going out and having some free time with friends.

I am going to try my hardest to keep uploading on a Sunday but if I don’t, Wednesdays are my next go to since today is a half day at college. I cannot and will not promise that I’ll be able to keep up on updating but so far it hasn’t been longer than a few days late so lets hope I can stick to that!

As for my story, I still plan to get that out! To the one person who commented last time, I AM SO SORRY IT ISNT OUT YET BUT I AM GETTING THERE! I actually am going to try and get it out this weekend but again, I make no promises. I hope y’all understand that I’m just… super busy!

Doesn’t mean I will abandon this though, far, far from it! As I said, updates will be up as regularly as I can get them up. For now, QUOTE AND OUTRO ALMOST!

“Yo player hater you should love yourself” BTS Cypher 4

Peace out, stay chill, don’t die!

-C

Confusion

My regular update for Sunday will still be here, I plan to work on what I’m posting tomorrow but right now I think I just need to talk, that’s why I started a blog right?

I’m confused. That’s how I’m starting this I guess. I’m confused and I’m upset. And I don’t understand anything.

I feel like I’m lost, I feel like I’m trapped and I slowly feel like I’m suffocating.

I get it, people don’t need labels but I would like something to tell me what the ever living hell is wrong with me.

My gender doesn’t have a label, my sexuality doesn’t have a label, my romantic attraction fucked off and my mental illnesses don’t really have a defined label either.

And I feel sick. And I’m broken. And I need someone to tell me that what I’m going through will pass.

But truth is, it wont. Not until I sort it out myself and fuck I don’t wanna do that. I don’t even want to think right about now. I want to shut down and forget any of this started happening. I also want to apologise for whatever this post even is.

I guess maybe I’m scared of developing feelings again.

But there is no need for that anymore. The abuse is over. I don’t have to deal with that anymore. Heck she’s the other side of the country, nearly in a different one. But that’s not it. I’m not scared of feelings, I cant be. I don’t know what I’m scared of or what I want anymore. I barely know anything. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror. I’m not who I was two years ago.

So much has changed.

Good change.

Most of it.

But its fucking terrifying.

Five years ago I was identifying as a straight (ish) female, living life casually. Now I don’t have an identity. Yeah, I’m me, do you, whatever the saying is but that’s the thing, I don’t know who I am. I haven’t for a while. Yeah, I’m C, but how long till that changes?

I just want validation. I want… to be told that.. I’m not alone, that I’m normal.

But what even is normal anymore?

I guess that’s all from me right now until I do loose it. No snazzy quote for y’all today sorry. All I can say is I hope you are all okay and if anyone wants to chat, I am here 🙂 I’m not always like this, just tonight was an off one.

Peace out, stay chill, don’t die ❤

– C

 

Romantic Feelings – or lack-thereof

Hey!

I said last week that I’d tell you about my week-long relationship and that is what I aim to do! However, I will attempt not to make this as boring as it sounds! Because honestly, who wants to hear about anybody’s relationship that was literally over before it had even started?

Really the story starts a few months ago when me and my friend started talking. And by talking really, I mean flirting with each other. It was harmless, both of us knew we were joking around and it was fun! Banter between buddies, y’know?

And things were going well, like really well. But there were moments when I thought, maybe it’s going too far. It started to feel a little too real to me. I tried to let it slide, like I would usually but there was that voice at the back of my head yelling, telling me to do something.

So, I told my friend (who I’ll refer to as RHL for the time being) and she was all like “go, tell them what you think! It’ll be fine!”

But I didn’t tell them. Oh no, I couldn’t have. I was content with this platonic relationship I had. There were no worries of anything going a step too far for my liking. It was good.

And then it happened. The friend I was talking to turned around to me and said, “I like you.”

Okay, it was more of an “I love you” but I’ll brush over that to avoid the dreaded L word.

It was more of a shock than anything else and to be honest, I wanted to forget about it. I didn’t want this relationship going any further than where it was, I couldn’t deal with it. I was later informed by RHL that said friend had actually messaged them the day before, pouring out their heart and other sappy stuff like that. I felt like a dick. I actually felt like a downright ass-hole but I messaged the friend who liked me and told them how I felt. That I didn’t like them the same way and I felt like my past relationship screwed me up too much to get into something else (and let me tell you that past relationship is a story for another time!). They understood, of course they did, so that was that for a while.

The day after however, I was told that talking to me made them feel awkward. And I couldn’t handle that. This was someone I’d known for a very long time, became incredibly close with, and I was basically told not to talk to them? I couldn’t do it. So, we spoke, we met in person, and I explained that we should let it go wherever it went. Because who was I to let some past relationship rule my way of thinking? A date was agreed, a coffee date in fact, but no relationship was defined. And that was where I was definitely content. A dating friend if you will. Are those even a thing? Can you have a dating friend? Oh god…

Anyways, things were good. People asked us if we were dating and I just said, “it’s complicated really” because that was what it was; complicated.

And then came the question I wasn’t ready for. It happened. The whole “will you go out with me?” thing that I hate. Because I wanted to. The idea of dating my friend was amazing, I haven’t dated anyone in years. I said yes. Because I thought it was what I wanted. About 6 days into the relationship however, I realised my mistake.

They were telling me they loved me, telling me all these things that were supposed to be considered sweet, but I wasn’t feeling it, at all. And that upset me. I didn’t know what was going on with me and it didn’t feel normal. I hated it.

The worst part was I had to tell them…

I actually had to man the fuck up and tell them I wasn’t feeling the relationship.

And dear god was that sucky af. I hated it. Because UGH! It hadn’t gone any-where and I was already backing out.

I managed to tell them, eventually, and it went down okay I guess, minus the one-word responses I got but yeah, things were chill and I’m actually still friends with them, talking with them at this very moment in time if I’m honest. But yeah! That’s the story of my very short relationship. I have decided I don’t need to be with anyone to be happy! I’ve got my friends and I am more than content with that. And don’t ask me to label this because I most definitely won’t give you a ‘straight’ answer 😛

So! That was my adventure and for the first time I have no idea what I’m going to talk about next week so that’s a surprise to look forward to. Now though, QUOTE TIME!

“Look up, we’re all looking at the same sky” BTS, Rap Monster (Kim Namjoon)

Peace out, stay chill, don’t die!

-C

Introduction to C!

So, I’ve introduced you to the blog, now to introduce you to me!

My name’s C, and I’m a seventeen year old, genderqueer, asexual panromantic. Pronouns are they/he, whichever’s easiest! Confusing I know, but I’m still confused so don’t sweat it. I’ve been questioning my sexuality and gender for a good five years by now and I’ve never really felt comfortable in my own skin. Throughout these five years I’ve had friends to support me but also friends who didn’t really get what I was going through- still am going through- thus ending in quite a few fall outs. Whilst I was there, it was hell. I didn’t know who I could trust, who actually got me or who was going to turn on me at the last minute. I have also been in therapy, for quite a lot of my teen years for so many different things. Stating them now would probably not have any benefits but I will be talking about it in the near future I can assure that. Let me just say, I am very much far from being mentally stable. I haven’t been for a long time.
But despite the fall outs, despite the arguments and despite the crap I’ve been through, I’m still going strong. At least I tell myself that. Life has a habit of being cruel and five years ago, I didn’t expect to even be finishing secondary school.
Right now, I’m in college, studying forensic science simply because my dad said I couldn’t do it. Some might say that is most definitely not a reason to spend two years studying a subject but to that I ask why? Nothing beats the satisfaction of proving someone wrong through sheer perseverance. I have hobbies too, like playing the piano and writing! I hope to bring my love for writing into this blog too. My music taste is entirely all over the place. I like music ranging from Hamilton: The Musical to Peirce The Veil, from Kaleo to Pink Floyd, from Imagine Dragons to BTS. Yeah, I’m a K-pop fan (if anyone asks, RapMon is my bias!) and I’m also a YouTube fan. Days which I’m not at college or doing homework, I will spend watching YouTubers such as Dan and Phil, Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, Game Theory, Matthias, The Hoax Hotel and many, many more. I own a dog, his name is Dave, and a black velvet rabbit called Lettice. If I could I would legitimately just own a house full of dogs. Since dogs are my favourite animals, one might think I’m not the type to also like cats. That’s half true. I like cats but fun fact. I’m in fact allergic to them. My dad however, has far worse allergies. He walks into a room with a cat, be prepared for a sneeze fest.
I’ve rambled, but if you’re still reading good going, you’ve got a better attention span than I have. I could talk for a good hour about my interests but I need to leave something for future blog posts. For now I shall leave you with a favourite quote of mine:

“regret is such a pointless emotion”- Magnus Bane

Peace out,
~C

It’s K!

Hey! It’s K! That rhymed!

Sorry, that was too enthusiastic. I’m K. I’m a 16 year old, pansexual, cis-gendered female and very pleased to meet you! I’m writing this blog (or at least half of it) because I just realised that there really aren’t that many LGBTQ+ blogs where it’s just people talking to people. No, instead, most of them seem to be factual or news related. Which is great! But sometimes you just want to hear something about being queer that doesn’t involve how repressed we are, or how difficult our lives are. Sometimes, you just want to hear about the girl your queer friend has a crush on. Well don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about the ridiculous crush I have on my Biology partner later! 😉

It’s raining here in Ireland right now (what a shocker!) and I’m feeling pretty happy, I’ve been hoping for rain for months now! Months I tell you! Okay maybe not really months, but close enough! So yes, the rain is making me happy. I think it’s perfect writing weather.

Oh! Speaking of, this Sunday post will be my first and last! My update day is Saturday, so expect to hear from me then! C’s blogging every Sunday so you’ll have something to look forward to there! Don’t worry, they’re a pretty awesome writer!

I used way too many exclamation marks in that last paragraph. Better tone it down a bit – I’m not usually so enthusiastic. Anyway, I had intended to briefly introduce myself in this first blog, and I haven’t really done that yet. So here you go. This is me:

16, pan, female. Very short and very aware of it (no C, don’t you dare even comment on that!). I love the rain (evidently) and vanilla is my favourite flavour. My favourite subject is English; most of the subjects I do are science and maths related. I should be writing a classics essay write now, but instead I’m blogging. I’m also craving some Nutella on toast at the moment…

I think that’s about enough. You’ll learn more about me soon, I promise! To keep you satisfied until next Saturday, here’s a gif of my favourite Disney character:

God, I relate to him so much!

See you next Saturday! And remember; decorate your closet, because if you’re gonna be in there a while, might as well make it look nice!

– K